tantra new orleans

How Routines Create a Better Sex Life

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I have never considered myself a morning person. In fact, I would often refer to those first daylight hours as my ‘mourning.’ Now I can say, thankfully that I am no longer a ‘mourning’ person! I credit my new love of mornings simply to: A commitment to a planned ROUTINE.

“If you fail to plan, you are planning to fail!” Benjamin franklin

 

When the brain is tired, weak, or just plain out of it, it should not be responsible for making rational decisions. Putting routines and plans into place takes the weak decision making process out of the mix. As all other mammal species we still carry many animalistic traits within our being. We crave direction, goals, rewards and consequences. But unlike most trained animals, we are capable of training ourselves. We can put into place simple routines, rewards and consequences (most consequences come as a result of poor actions, not actual discipline) that can positively set up our day... month... year... life!

“Perhaps our greatest distinction as a species is our capacity, unique among animals, to make counter-evolutionary choices.”Jared Diamond, Why Is Sex Fun? The Evolution of Human Sexuality

 

A routine is essentially a goal. One that, once achieved, can lead to a host of future goals that can shape the success of your life and positively impact those around you. But a morning routine doesn’t just start the moment you wake up. No good morning routine is complete without a corresponding evening routine. Setting up a plan for the morning by going to sleep in a healthy productive fashion is essential for the follow-through of your morning routine.

“Setting goals is the first step in turning the invisible into the visible.”~Tony Robbins

 

What happens when you DO NOT have a morning routine?

You might go out and have a few drinks. You get to bed later than usual. You would like to go to the gym but since you are going to bed late, ‘you will see how you feel in the morning,’ which as we know, almost always ends up being a no. You wake up groggy and decide that the snooze button is more important than the health of your body. Your foggy and tired brain tells you to just leave the house and pick up a coffee and bagel on the way to work. Now you are over-caffeinated, under-hydrated and although you are trying to rationalize that going out and having fun is a great part of life, you are silently criticizing yourself for not going to the gym, for eating shitty and for falling into the trap of “average.” You then go home to your partner feeling like a loser after having beat yourself up for most of the day due to your lack of willpower. You do not feel sexy, you do not feel motivated, and in no way do you feel like having animalistic, passionate, mind-blowing sex!

If you really think about it, hitting the snooze button in the morning doesn’t even make sense. It’s like saying, 'I hate getting up in the morning—so I do it over… and over… and over again.' – Demetrius Martin

 
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Unfortunately when you make average decisions you get average results. The average person will chose to pick up a beer instead of a book. The average person will chose to watch TV when they get home instead of make love to their partner. The average person will go out to eat instead of making a healthy lunch. The average person will settle for average!

“If you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always gotten.”~Tony Robbins

 

Failure is a part of success. This is the difference between an average person and a successful person. The average person is often too afraid of failure to ever get to success. To succeed at  failure is a closer step to success. It can take many failure to get to an accomplishment of a steady routine. I know for myself, my monkey demon mind won many times before I finally told it to shut the fuck up. But once you finally take hold of the reins, one success turns into another, turns into another, turns into every dream you have becoming a reality.

Success consists of going from failure to failure without losing enthusiasm. – Winston Churchill

But remember that perfection is not what we are striving for here! We are only human and the constant continuation of anything will most certainly lead to utter boredom! So do not be hard on yourself if you just don’t feel like it one day. It certainly can be nourishing for the soul to occasionally sleep in, snuggle up and binge on some Netflix, or indulge on a delicious treat. Focus on what you mostly do, not on what you sometimes do!

 

How does this relate to sex?

The way you feel about yourself directly relates to the way you show up in the bedroom. When are you most likely in the mood for long, sensual, intimate love-making?  I’m not talking about the roll-on top quickie. I’m talking about the type of sex that leaves you drenched, sore, connected, and completely satisfied. Is it after you downed 2 beers and 3 pieces of pizza or is if after you had a fulfilling successful day, ate healthy and just got done at the gym? We all know the answer. No need to be redundant.

“The behavior of a human being in sexual matters is often a prototype for the whole of his other modes of reaction in life.”~Sigmund Freud, Sexuality and the Psychology of Love

 

What happens when you DO have a morning routine?

You come home from work with a goal to not turn on the TV, to not waste time on social media, and to be present with yourself and those around you. You make a healthy dinner and create a calm atmosphere for the rest of the evening. Maybe you take some time to work on an artistic project that you have been putting off. Maybe you practice an instrument that you have been wanting to learn. Maybe you take some time to read to your kids or help them with their homework. Maybe you draw your spouse a bath and give them a relaxing a massage. You finish the night by giving your body some self love with whatever hygienic night time rituals you have. You remove all electronics from the bedroom, dive into a book or mediation and fall into a deep, relaxing, restorative sleep. You then wake completely refreshed. You make your bed, you wash your face and brush your teeth, you stretch and complete a few sun salutations and then proceed to follow whatever routine you have committed to. Write this routine down. Tell somebody else so that you can be accountable. What will follow? A happy day, a happy wife, a happy life! The previous evening was relaxing and possibly a prep for a future evening of erotic, sensual or downright raunchy fornication! Winning!

“Your first ritual that you do during the day is the highest leveraged ritual, by far, because it has the effect of setting your mind, and setting the context, for the rest of your day.” – Eben Pagan

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So what does my morning routine consist of?

I have to remember that I can be completely selfish in my morning routine as I have absolutely no responsibility to children, pets or a spouse. So I understand that much of what my routine consists of may not be a possibility for most. It is not meant to be emulated, just to simply take note of. So here it is:

In the evening, I try to be home and done with work and social activities by 8pm. I make sure my day consists of fulfilling, healthy, whole foods. I turn my phone off at 9pm and put it in a drawer. I spend the rest of the evening reading, doing self-massage, medibating, practicing a trade, stretching my body, dabbling in the esoteric arts, or other weird shit that is better left unsaid! I go to sleep by 11:30pm. I set an old fashion alarm clock, since all electronics are left out of my room, and wake by 7:30am. I do not snooze and write in a dream journal as soon as my eyes open and I can recall the subconscious mind’s evening events. Then I spend at least an hour doing yoga or meditating and commit to not looking at my phone until after such activities are complete. I answer some emails, texts, messages and schedule my day. I proceed with breakfast and showering. Then I’m off to my studio in preparation for a day of beautifully channeled erotic magick!

The world is changed by your example, not by your opinion. – Paulo Coelho

 
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The success of your life choices lead to an ecstatic sex life AND an ecstatic sex life leads to successful life choices. Sex is often not talked about by motivational speakers. It is a shadow that stays hidden, only to be revealed in the bedroom. But sex is life and a successful life begins and ends with the way we show up intimately with others as well as ourselves. How will you show up and how committed can you be to making the choices that make you a lion and not a sheep, in and out of the bedroom!?

Sex lies at the root of life, and we can never learn to reverence life until we know how to understand sex. Havelock Ellis

 

Should the Pursuit of Sexual Growth be Considered Cheating?

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Oh that moment when my heart drops as I open an email from a disgruntled spouse. It is never something I look forward to but it has happened several times in the past and I expect it to happen again in the future. The email read (some information was taken out to protect their privacy):

Hi,

 I just found dialog between yourself and my husband on his phone / email. Looks like he set up an appointment and even left a glowing review.

 I have to say I did notice that he improved in bed afterwards; I must thank you for that. It made me suspicious that he was able to figure a few things out in recent months. Must be a great talent of yours. Kudos to you sincerely. I hope he returns for more guidance.

 You look like a very pretty, nice and talented person. I respect the services and guidance you provide, I just wish that he would have been up front about it.

 I'm glad I found the emails, I think we are finished, this was the last lie I can deal with. I don't expect you to feel bad- I never wanted to be married, or monogamous, or with a man again for these exact reasons. Maybe you have released me from my bonds as well.

Thanks.

My first thoughts when these things happen is empathy for the mate, as deception can hurt deeply. However, I explained to her that a lot of men come to me with the upfront intention that they want to gain more skills, become more open sexually and simply become better more connected lovers; her husband being one of them.

So is it wrong to hide something from your partner and is it right for the partner to get upset when clearly the result of the lie has bettered their relationship?

Unfortunately we live in a society where jealousy, distrust and judgment are often prevalent in relationships. We also live in a society where sexual exploration and growth are not considered acceptable. If someone’s husband went to see a therapist to work on his issues that would be fine but if he went to see a sex-worker that would be completely unacceptable. The funny thing about that is that sex work changes people in greater ways than any amount of talk therapy!

It is up to you guys! In a perfect world, I would love to see partners being able to freely talk about their intimacy issues with love and support. However, it seems that most couples struggle with this and some partners are just not ready to hear such things.

So my advice is to either be completely honest and open with your partner or be strong in your conviction to better yourself secretly. This means that you will need to leave all guilt and shame at the door. Know that everything that you do to make yourself happy will ultimately make all those around you happy. Some people have a hard time seeing that, but YOU should always come first! With this statement I am not encourage sneaking around, simply a piece of advice to avoid hurting your partner: fucking erase your emails! Seriously guys, this is not hard to do and with today’s technology it is easy for people to snoop!

If your partner can handle it, talk to them with open honesty. If they cannot, remind yourself that sometimes ignorant is bliss and giving yourself what you need and deserve isn’t wrong as long as you aren’t maliciously trying to hurt anyone. Let me give my best to you then take that home and give the best to your partner! This is my mission, not to break-up marriages or encourage cheating, but to creates sexual kings ready to conquer and captivate the queen of their castle! 

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